Seek me for "Me" not for the adventure I can bring to your life.

For the past two weeks we had a speaker named Donna Jordan, an older woman with a grandmother's heart who talked about "hearing the voice of God".  In the beginning I was skeptical because she made it look so easy and talked about Jesus like he was her greatest lover and best friend. Now I know this truth deeply, that Jesus is my greatest lover and best friend but yet something in me was repelling the way she was saying it. Back at my home church this "Jesus is my best buddy, all cuddly and casual" gospel is rejected because Jesus is also Holy and Almighty and Powerful beyond what we can imagine.  Often the "Jesus is our lover and our comfort" is preached alone without the rest of the picture of who he is, leading people to view him casually and see him more as a therapist there to meet all their needs than a Lord who they should fear (fear as in be in reverance of). I talked  to a staff member about it and she acknowledged that I had been taught well back home, and she reassured me that Donna has full knowledge of the big picture of who Jesus is, but was just focusing on this aspect of his character this week.

After realizing that I became more open to what she had to say. God does speak to us, in fact it says that "His sheep know his voice". I knew that, I just lost touch of what it meant to be listening for his voice and going to him every step of every day for guidance.  I also know that sometimes he chooses not to answer our questions to build faith or reliance or for his good purposes we can't comprehend, and sometimes things like sin, and a calloused conscience, fear of man, and a wrong understand of who he is can block his voice.  However on the last day he spoke to me so deeply it led to me to the ground crying in repentance.

We were given some quiet time to ask God three questions, the answer I received from the second one ruined me.

"What are your plans and purposes for me?"

I wrote, and his words flowed right onto the paper.

"The reason I don't give you the answer to this question is because I know if I did you would immediately try to do it on your own strength. You don't always need to be achieving for me, sometimes I just love to be with you. I will give you the pieces- I've brought you this far haven't I? I'm teaching you to rest in me, to love me for who I "am" not what "adventure"  I can bring in your life. I desire to see you flourish, I want to use you to bring many into the kingdom , to bring healing to hurting souls, to speak my words and sing songs of joy, I will not disappoint you.  Seek me and you will find "Me" not the plans of your life. Leave the control of them to me, it's not your job or worry. I can handle it for myself. "

So let me explain why this answer was so perfect. First of all I'm a GO GETTER and a FIGHTER. I was always a strong willed child, when I wanted something I was determined to get it. I'm also a hard worker and a planner so I like to get things done, and be in control of how they get done. When the Lord asked me to start a youth worship team I did it, when he asked me to start a prayer team for my young adults group I did it, when he asked me to raise over 12,000 dollars for Germany I did it. All of those things were in his timing. I think he knows though that I want to achieve for him and walk into what he has for me so bad right now , that if He told me I would rush it, and try to do it without waiting for his perfect timing. So he is teaching me how to Love him for who he is, not the adventure or thrill that a life following him brings. I guess a question I need to ask myself is if God told me that I would just work an average job, dull, repetitive, without much excitement, and to raise an average family, in a middle class community and not do much else would I still want to really follow Him? Now I know that that is not the plans he has for me at all, in fact it says that "No eye has seen, No ear has heard, No mind can conceive the great plans God has for those who love him." but asking that question reveals my motives for seeking him so clearly, and that needs to change.

No one wants to be friends with someone who is only their friend because of what they can give them. And unfortunately I have been taking advantage of "God" a bit in this way and using him to try to satisfy my own selfish desires. Well he's not letting me anymore and I'm glad. I do love him and want to know him deeper.

He's changed my heart for this DTS, if all I achieve is knowing him more and discovering who he more clearly then I will be content.

Amen. 

I cracked my back!! AYIYI!!

So I went to the doctor yesterday and my back was x-rayed and examined. Then they sent me to another hospital to get a CT scan and found that one of the vertebrae in my spine was cracked. I don't know much as they mostly spoke through my translator but they told me that my bones would heal in about 4 weeks and I just need to lay low and not do anything strenuous or that requires bending. I'm in quite a bit of pain all the time though and am on 800mg tablets of ibuprofen. Things are harder and I'm forced to rely on others to help me carry stuff. But that's what real community is about, and I just need to accept that I can't be as independent as I usually am. Things at the DTS are good. I'm starting to get close to some friends and really feel like I'm part of this family. I went to Dresden on the weekend and it was so beautiful! I'm going to upload most of my pictures to facebook so you can see for yourself. There were giant picturesque building and museums, most of which were rebuilt after the war (I found out dresden was quite heavily bombed) and we sat and ate dinner in the middle of it all with a german guy in lederhosen playing accordian right next to us. It was heaven. 

Something I've been learning this week is to stop fearing what others think of me and just walk in simple obedience to God. Human's are all flawed and God's opinion matters more than theirs. I need to be confident in him and what he asks of me- it doesn't matter if I see the fruit of my obedience or not. I am not here for a temporary reward of pleasing man; the reward of pleasing God is eternal.

Thanks for all of your encouragements, updates, and posts. They are really keeping me going here in a foreign country where anyone close or anything familiar is a comfort I do not have. 

I have posted a whole bunch of photos on facebook if you want to check them out!

Love you and Miss you tons!  Tess :)

Updates Update Updates..

A week has gone past and I still haven't fully realized that this is gonna be my life for the next 6 months. I'm starting to get closer to some girls at the school and feel less lonely but I still miss my friends and community back home. You never know how good you have it till it's gone I guess..So some updates on my back- I went to see the doctor today and when he touched a part of it I started crying from the intensity of the pain. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to get some x-rays. I really hope it's not seriously damaged because I was really looking forward to backpacking around Europe after my DTS.

Anyways- I'm starting to appreciate living at the apartments. Things are peaceful here when you just want to get away from the craziness of the castle and the girls here are really becoming community. Sometimes it gets frustrating because there is no piano to practice our music on here, and I just wish my parents could ship me my piano all the way from Canada. But I'm willing to stand my ground when it comes to equal practice times at the castle haha- there are about 22 people in our program and about half of them play piano. There is only one piano and one electric keyboard and only a few hours to practice during the day before our 8pm quiet hours start.  We will see how this goes!

Also another thing about Germany. Their chocolate is amazing! I have two jars, one is of this white chocolate macadamia butter and the other is a praline cream. MMMMMM...

Entitled..

Embracing difficult situations and dissapointed expectations really brings out our character. How do we react when we encounter them? Do we easily get frustrated or angry with God? Do we recall all the sacrifices we have given up and feel bitter since our selfish expectations were not met the way we want them to be. Do we feel God owes us something?

Something God has really been pressing on my heart this whole year but really bringing to the surface while I'm here at Ywam is a spirit of entitlement.  I see it in myself and I hate it but yet I feel so helpless against it. As much as I try to understand the implications of my sin, I still struggle.

One of the stories in the Bible that makes clear my struggle so perfectly is the parable of the lost son. In this parable there are two brothers. Before their father has even come close to passing one of the brothers asks for his portion of the inheritance. He goes away and squanders it all on partying and useless things. Eventually he ends up living on the streets begging even for scraps that are fed to pigs. He finally realizes how foolish he was and asks for the strength to go back home and ask for his father's forgiveness.  Expecting to be met with anger and "I told you so's" he is instead met by a father who's heart is moved in compassion running towards him with arms open wide. Instead of condemning him the Father throws a party calling for his finest calf and best things to be used. 

Now the older son who stuck by his Father's side and didn't squander away anything he had been given is seeing all the riches his brother is getting showered with and getting bitter. I mean didn't he surely deserve this party more than his brother who shamed him and his father with his foolishness? Luke 15:11-32

I think I'm kinda feeling the same way about Ywam. I mean there are people here who haven't even had to pay a cent, or they come here on faith with nothing and God provides everything for them in his amazing provision. I'm happy for them, I'm glad they are here and I know he has a plan to use them but part of me gets frustrated when they are flourishing,  I'm facing difficulty and I remember what time and money I had to give up to get here.  I mean I know that God doesn't owe me anything but I can't help but expect him to reward me for my hard work.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying God doesn't reward me for my hard work.  When I seek his kingdom and his righteousness  I know they will be added unto me. Mt 6:33 When I seek him I will find him Jer 29:13. It just can get a little frustrating when I see those around me flourishing without maybe as much sacrifice as I've given.

As I'm writing this I honestly feel  God teaching me something right now. So what does the father say to the older son when he objects to his generosity towards the younger son. He says "Son you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." Essentially everything he owns already belongs to the son as well, and he wouldn't even need to ask to partake in it or enjoy it. "

So how does this apply to my situation?

Well maybe I like the older son just get so focused on what others are getting that I forget that I can have it too, it just may not be what I "need" in the moment. Just as God made each of his children he knows each of us and what we need in every moment. Our needs are constantly changing and what we need might not be what others need at the time. That person may have needed to really see God provide finances to strengthen their faith while I need to work hard and learn what I am right now. It's not that Gods holding out on me, just that he is meeting each of our needs "differently".  All that he has is mine for the taking, but that doesn't always mean the things the world esteems such as happiness or pleasure or ease of life, but righteousness, perseverance, joy, and knowledge of the love of Christ.  And those things don't come to us sinful humans naturally. They usually take trial and testing and being forced to rely on God in ways that are uncomfortable for us to learn.

My attitude of entitlement is not godly and is based on the idea that God owes me happiness, pleasure and ease of life (values of the world) because I work hard for him.

What is true is that God does not owe me anything, but he chooses to bless me regardless. Not with things of the world, but things of his kingdom which far outweigh any temporary treasure. His blessings are often birthed through trial and testing but have eternal purpose and are permanent. He meets all our needs, but our needs are changing and our characters are unique so how he blesses us looks different for each of us in every situation.

Honestly I do not feel entitled as much at all anymore. This post has taken me about an hour to write as I have been processing everything I am learning and thinking but I truly think I learned a really great lesson here.

Lord I pray you would continue to show me how to rejoice in the times of trial and difficulty. Give me eyes to see your blessings in disguise and not compare how you choose to meet my needs and bring me closer to you with how you do with others.  Help me to laugh and celebrate with those around me for how you have provided for them differently, and not see it as any more significant than how you provided for me. Amen.

Tess

Day 3

Today I literally watched my life flash before my eyes. There is a huge wooden swing out in the forest and a bunch of us went exploring. I jumped a little too high when the swing reached its peak and fell 7 feet flat on my back while the giant swing swung over me. I couldn't breath for a couple minutes and was stuck under the swing for a few minutes until they could slow it down. So many things could have gone wrong but they didn't. I could have landed on my head or feet and broken bones or gotten concussions, I could have landed on something sharp and been impaled or paralyzed. If the swing had been a little lower I could have been knocked out or worse..But I know I'm meant to be here. I'm still a bit sore and my chest is tight from having the wind knocked out of me but I think I will recover pretty fast. This is a picture of the reactions of my new friends. Absolutely hilarious!

To be honest these past few days have been a bit hard to adjust. I miss my family and community of friends back home terribly and I don't exactly connect with everyone in the apartments I'm living in as well yet.

It just goes to show that I felt incredibly loved back home and incredibly loved each of you as well. Our first day of lecture starts tomorrow and I am excited. With all this hard stuff happening to me I have started to doubt whether this is where I am supposed to be.

But I believe God is in control and wants me here, and that's where I am. A part of me just wishes all this change didn't have to be so hard. Why does following God have to be so hard sometimes? I know the answer but it's never easy to accept it.

Anyways, I know the struggle and challenge will all be worth it and I hope to attest to that. I don't believe my purpose in this life is to be comfortable, happy, or indulgent all the time, but to make God known and hope in the eternal glory that will eventually greet me.

Tess :) 

Who am I to judge?

So this is it. I'm here sitting in my new room in the apartments just outside of town. The flight went pretty smooth- I gave up my aisle seat for a guy who was complaining about his back and felt honoured however miserable I was stuck in the middle with a kid kicking my seat behind me, to bless him in some small way.

I'm not really sure what to think to be honest. The Castle isn't as clean or big or high tech as I was expecting and the girls seem cool but I don't know if I really click with any of them yet. Also we only have 2 showers (however they are not really showers- more like shower hoses in a bathtub) for the whole apartment building which houses like 30 girls. My room is smaller (there is only four of us) but I love it because there is a side room with sofa's and big windows  that I am sitting in this very moment. We have a washing machine but no dryer (which works out ok for me since I hang dry most of my stuff anyways) but only  one sink per bathroom.

Also did I mention the walk to school takes 20min every day? Hmmm..I really wanted to live in the castle but I've been told that living out in the community is so much better, and not as rigid with rules/guidelines.

I don't want to judge this experience or DTS before it even starts based on the fact that the buildings look old and I don't have the everyday comforts  I had at home. I don't want to enter it feeling disappointed; I want to look at it as an opportunity for me to be stretched to rely on God in every way possible. I have faith that the minor challenges/sacrifices I need to go through will not compare to the good that will come out of this.

I've got my worries, I've got my fears, but maybe that's a good thing. You know why? Because they send me running to Him.  

So Lord my prayer is this: Please let the knowledge of your love for me rid me of my selfish expectations, my anxious worries, and doubtful fears. Show your grace and control in my life so brightly in this time, helping me become more trusting that you do what you say you do and are who you say you are.

Tess

Confident?

What does it mean to be confident? Not being easily swayed in your belief? Not second guessing? Knowing the value and meaning behind what you are doing and not letting it get diminished by your own insecurity?

I have always been a skeptic. Skeptical of myself, skeptical of the world, and skeptical of what I am taught. Back in elementary school I was the kid who annoyed others because she asked so many questions, having to know why and how things worked before she would fully accept them.

In school it took me longer to learn things than other students because I needed to really understand everything about the topic and how to come to the proper conclusion first- and while it took me longer- I did very well because I understood the concepts. This is also one of the reasons I am super into apologetics (knowing the science, history, philosophy, and logic behind the Christian belief), because I don't think that blindly walking into anything, especially beliefs about life and death is wise at all.

Anyways- What does all this talk about confidence have to do with Germany? Well it feels like everything. Not only do I have a whole bunch of questions that can't be answered right now but I don't know what to expect. I'm excited but nervous to see what God teaches me, how he changes me, and uses me.

I like to have a plan for things though- and trusting that I don't really need a plan because Gods got this already in his hands is so hard. He has been so faithful to me in the past and I could list countless amazing stories of his provision but yet the worry wart and insecure doubtful me never seems to fully recede.

My call to music and missions has been confirmed in some really cool circumstances before http://www.tspeller.blogspot.ca/search/label/calling. but I've lost confidence in them as time has allowed the memory of those moments to fade away.

My mentor told me she feels this time in Germany is really going to be a confidence builder for me, a reconfirmation not only that God wants to bring justice and raise awareness of the things that break his heart to his people, but that he wants to use me to do it.

I sure hope so. I leave tomorrow morning.

Jeremiah 17:5-8

This is what the Lord says:
"Curse is the one who TRUSTS IN MAN,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the one who TRUSTS in the Lord,
whose CONFIDENCE IS IN HIM.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."