Entitled..

Embracing difficult situations and dissapointed expectations really brings out our character. How do we react when we encounter them? Do we easily get frustrated or angry with God? Do we recall all the sacrifices we have given up and feel bitter since our selfish expectations were not met the way we want them to be. Do we feel God owes us something?

Something God has really been pressing on my heart this whole year but really bringing to the surface while I'm here at Ywam is a spirit of entitlement.  I see it in myself and I hate it but yet I feel so helpless against it. As much as I try to understand the implications of my sin, I still struggle.

One of the stories in the Bible that makes clear my struggle so perfectly is the parable of the lost son. In this parable there are two brothers. Before their father has even come close to passing one of the brothers asks for his portion of the inheritance. He goes away and squanders it all on partying and useless things. Eventually he ends up living on the streets begging even for scraps that are fed to pigs. He finally realizes how foolish he was and asks for the strength to go back home and ask for his father's forgiveness.  Expecting to be met with anger and "I told you so's" he is instead met by a father who's heart is moved in compassion running towards him with arms open wide. Instead of condemning him the Father throws a party calling for his finest calf and best things to be used. 

Now the older son who stuck by his Father's side and didn't squander away anything he had been given is seeing all the riches his brother is getting showered with and getting bitter. I mean didn't he surely deserve this party more than his brother who shamed him and his father with his foolishness? Luke 15:11-32

I think I'm kinda feeling the same way about Ywam. I mean there are people here who haven't even had to pay a cent, or they come here on faith with nothing and God provides everything for them in his amazing provision. I'm happy for them, I'm glad they are here and I know he has a plan to use them but part of me gets frustrated when they are flourishing,  I'm facing difficulty and I remember what time and money I had to give up to get here.  I mean I know that God doesn't owe me anything but I can't help but expect him to reward me for my hard work.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying God doesn't reward me for my hard work.  When I seek his kingdom and his righteousness  I know they will be added unto me. Mt 6:33 When I seek him I will find him Jer 29:13. It just can get a little frustrating when I see those around me flourishing without maybe as much sacrifice as I've given.

As I'm writing this I honestly feel  God teaching me something right now. So what does the father say to the older son when he objects to his generosity towards the younger son. He says "Son you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." Essentially everything he owns already belongs to the son as well, and he wouldn't even need to ask to partake in it or enjoy it. "

So how does this apply to my situation?

Well maybe I like the older son just get so focused on what others are getting that I forget that I can have it too, it just may not be what I "need" in the moment. Just as God made each of his children he knows each of us and what we need in every moment. Our needs are constantly changing and what we need might not be what others need at the time. That person may have needed to really see God provide finances to strengthen their faith while I need to work hard and learn what I am right now. It's not that Gods holding out on me, just that he is meeting each of our needs "differently".  All that he has is mine for the taking, but that doesn't always mean the things the world esteems such as happiness or pleasure or ease of life, but righteousness, perseverance, joy, and knowledge of the love of Christ.  And those things don't come to us sinful humans naturally. They usually take trial and testing and being forced to rely on God in ways that are uncomfortable for us to learn.

My attitude of entitlement is not godly and is based on the idea that God owes me happiness, pleasure and ease of life (values of the world) because I work hard for him.

What is true is that God does not owe me anything, but he chooses to bless me regardless. Not with things of the world, but things of his kingdom which far outweigh any temporary treasure. His blessings are often birthed through trial and testing but have eternal purpose and are permanent. He meets all our needs, but our needs are changing and our characters are unique so how he blesses us looks different for each of us in every situation.

Honestly I do not feel entitled as much at all anymore. This post has taken me about an hour to write as I have been processing everything I am learning and thinking but I truly think I learned a really great lesson here.

Lord I pray you would continue to show me how to rejoice in the times of trial and difficulty. Give me eyes to see your blessings in disguise and not compare how you choose to meet my needs and bring me closer to you with how you do with others.  Help me to laugh and celebrate with those around me for how you have provided for them differently, and not see it as any more significant than how you provided for me. Amen.

Tess