Who am I to judge?

So this is it. I'm here sitting in my new room in the apartments just outside of town. The flight went pretty smooth- I gave up my aisle seat for a guy who was complaining about his back and felt honoured however miserable I was stuck in the middle with a kid kicking my seat behind me, to bless him in some small way.

I'm not really sure what to think to be honest. The Castle isn't as clean or big or high tech as I was expecting and the girls seem cool but I don't know if I really click with any of them yet. Also we only have 2 showers (however they are not really showers- more like shower hoses in a bathtub) for the whole apartment building which houses like 30 girls. My room is smaller (there is only four of us) but I love it because there is a side room with sofa's and big windows  that I am sitting in this very moment. We have a washing machine but no dryer (which works out ok for me since I hang dry most of my stuff anyways) but only  one sink per bathroom.

Also did I mention the walk to school takes 20min every day? Hmmm..I really wanted to live in the castle but I've been told that living out in the community is so much better, and not as rigid with rules/guidelines.

I don't want to judge this experience or DTS before it even starts based on the fact that the buildings look old and I don't have the everyday comforts  I had at home. I don't want to enter it feeling disappointed; I want to look at it as an opportunity for me to be stretched to rely on God in every way possible. I have faith that the minor challenges/sacrifices I need to go through will not compare to the good that will come out of this.

I've got my worries, I've got my fears, but maybe that's a good thing. You know why? Because they send me running to Him.  

So Lord my prayer is this: Please let the knowledge of your love for me rid me of my selfish expectations, my anxious worries, and doubtful fears. Show your grace and control in my life so brightly in this time, helping me become more trusting that you do what you say you do and are who you say you are.

Tess

Confident?

What does it mean to be confident? Not being easily swayed in your belief? Not second guessing? Knowing the value and meaning behind what you are doing and not letting it get diminished by your own insecurity?

I have always been a skeptic. Skeptical of myself, skeptical of the world, and skeptical of what I am taught. Back in elementary school I was the kid who annoyed others because she asked so many questions, having to know why and how things worked before she would fully accept them.

In school it took me longer to learn things than other students because I needed to really understand everything about the topic and how to come to the proper conclusion first- and while it took me longer- I did very well because I understood the concepts. This is also one of the reasons I am super into apologetics (knowing the science, history, philosophy, and logic behind the Christian belief), because I don't think that blindly walking into anything, especially beliefs about life and death is wise at all.

Anyways- What does all this talk about confidence have to do with Germany? Well it feels like everything. Not only do I have a whole bunch of questions that can't be answered right now but I don't know what to expect. I'm excited but nervous to see what God teaches me, how he changes me, and uses me.

I like to have a plan for things though- and trusting that I don't really need a plan because Gods got this already in his hands is so hard. He has been so faithful to me in the past and I could list countless amazing stories of his provision but yet the worry wart and insecure doubtful me never seems to fully recede.

My call to music and missions has been confirmed in some really cool circumstances before http://www.tspeller.blogspot.ca/search/label/calling. but I've lost confidence in them as time has allowed the memory of those moments to fade away.

My mentor told me she feels this time in Germany is really going to be a confidence builder for me, a reconfirmation not only that God wants to bring justice and raise awareness of the things that break his heart to his people, but that he wants to use me to do it.

I sure hope so. I leave tomorrow morning.

Jeremiah 17:5-8

This is what the Lord says:
"Curse is the one who TRUSTS IN MAN,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the one who TRUSTS in the Lord,
whose CONFIDENCE IS IN HIM.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I am a Self-Centered, People Pleasing, Envious, Perfectionist. I am far from perfect and I dissapoint people. I see the flaws in myself every single day and want to be better- try to be better- but am far from being the person who I want to be. I fail. I fail others expections of me and I fail the ones I have for myself.

Thank God, that even though I fail, I am still forgiven. Thank God, that even though I am not who I want to be, I am still loved incredibly. Thank God, that I am not known as a failure, but as His child who can be used by Him despite her shortcomings.

I'm not expecting this YWAM trip to be all fun and easy. In fact- I sense that its gonna be uncomfortable at times and I will be confronted with my own sin and apathy. I'm not scared though- I'm ready for whatever needs to happen for me to realize how much I need to rely on Him.

I've been living comfortably this past year, working and saving, spending time with friends, and I will be honest, neglecting my time with God because it wasn't convenient. I'm ready for that attitude to change. I'm ready to be thrown out of the boat into the storms and coughed up into a foreign land to share the message of His love and forgiveness.

I found this quote awhile ago and it has replayed itself in my mind many times.

I'm ready to surrender my security, what's comfortable, and my own desires to continue to grow into the woman God would have me be.

There is a song that pretty much sums up my prayer and heart for this trip. It's called "Nothing I hold onto" by United Pursuit. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o

The lyrics go:

I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hand of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you God, Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

There's nothing I hold onto
There's nothing I hold onto.


Tess :)

Bittersweet.

Tonight was my german themed going away party. Alot of people came and it got a bit squishy in my backyard but it was a good reminder that I am cared for and loved by those around me. I guess sometimes I look around and think- man I don't have enough friends, or they are not close enough but when I finally did something and invited them all I realized how many I actually have, and how blessed I am to have each and every one.

I'm excited to be going away, I really am, however I know this year has been a season of investment in these peoples lives- and I hope they bank it away for when I get back. After the tight community of bible college I came back into the real world of friends, schedules, and the inconvenience of seeing the same people every day. I had lost touch with my local community and found myself having to rebuild all my old friendships again and invest in some new ones. This time though, the friendships took work. They took really learning what it means to invest in someone and show interest in someone's life first. I know it will only get harder as life gets busier and I get settled down, but its been a valuable lesson to see the joy that comes from having close relationships and the fruit that comes from working on them.

I saw the picture (above) on pinterest and decided that would be my motto for making friendships in Germany. I am going to take the time to really learn about people and find ways to encourage them and show them I care first.

Laziness and Close Relationships do not live in harmony-This applies to any kind of relationship whether it be friendships, romantic, or parental. Both parties need to be willing to work for each other- and prove that the other is important to them by investing time and energy into trying to work things out. If one is not willing to work for the relationship -eventually the other party will tire out and give up.

I bet so many marriages fail for the very reason that one is too tired, busy, or stressed to invest. Eventually the relationship is just a second priority and when problems arise there is no real time to work things out. It becomes much easier just to walk away towards something more carefree or easy.

Anyways, If you are reading this please know I am very thankful to have you in my life. Leaving my friends here behind will be hard- I get attached so easily but I know the ones that care will be waiting for me when I'm back. I also know I can't neglect them when I am gone away either. When kylie went to New Zealand for 6 months and sent me a package from there for Christmas it meant the world to me. I want to be that kind of friend.

Tess

Less than two weeks left to go! STTTTTOOOOKKKKKEEEEDDDDDD!

Emotional Whirlwind

As the date gets closer and closer my emotions are whirling. I'm trying to stay calm but it's hard to focus anymore.  I have sadness for leaving mixed with excitement for going mixed with an anxiety but faith for the unknown. My heart feels like its being crushed under a weight of emotion.

I want to leave already- but yet I don't want to leave just yet. I don't know what to expect- but I know my expectations are going to be blown out of the water.

I hope my friends back here don't forget about me- but are here waiting when I get back. I hope they get close- but not too close that I feel distanced when I return. My insecurities are surfacing- I hope the people in Germany like me- I hope I make some really great friends. I hope God uses me- I'm ready to be used. I want him to push me out of my comfort zone- but yet I don't want that at all.

I'm vulnerable- trusting in God that this was his plan all along- and that he will lead me every step of the way. But I know that is the best place to be.

Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Tess

Where you lead I'll go!

The Countdown begins! Only 22 more days until I leave for Germany. See the picture on the right: thats the castle I will be staying in.

So what will I be doing in Germany? Well I'm doing this program called a DTS (discipleship training school). The organization it is through is called YWAM (youth with a mission) which is sorta like a training ground/launch for missionaries all around the world. "YWAM has a decentralized structure that encourages new vision and the exploration of new ways to change lives through training, convey the message of the gospel and care for those in need. We are currently operation in more than 1000 locations in over 180 countries, with a staff of over 18,000."

 The school I'm going to is called "Marriage of the Arts" and is directly themed at using the arts to communicate about world issues and God's heart for the broken and least of these. It has alot of initiatives going for helping those caught in the sex trade and suffering from great poverty.
Most people have some really cool story of why they chose the Ywam location they did, but for me Germany just seemed to be in line with all the passions/dreams I've had. Out of all the song's I've written my best and most complete ones come out of my cry for justice in this world, for those who have been given much to give to those who have been given little. If you wanna check more about it yourself see http://www.ywam-sf.net/ and http://mission-live.com/mota_dts

I never thought I would be going to a small town in rural Germany- or staying in a "water castle" but here I am! Plane tickets booked, got my visa and insurance and there's no turning back now! I've already started to chat with the people I will be schooling with online and it makes me so excited to meet them in person!
There are still a few things I am nervous about, and it seems that I still got alot of things to finish before I go- but I am really starting sense God's peace about the whole thing and get excited. I'm looking forward to watching God use my gifts in music to write new songs about his heart for world, and see where he leads me as I follow him willingly.

I hope you will journey with me as I take this big leap into the unknown- and surrender my security so His name and Love would be made known!

Tess