If growth could be counted or measured- I don't know where I would be- but I'm starting to see a new side of things, a new side of me, a whole new way of walking in my God given destiny.

Outreach is almost here!

Only 1 week before outreach to Nepal/India. Its approaching incredibly fast and I'm still in shock at how close it is. Things these past couple weeks have been a bit hectic with preparations and such, but God is giving me such a heart and vision for the people there that I am waiting in joyful anticipation. We had a meeting a couple weeks ago where two staff who had been there shared about their experiences. As they were talking I got this vision to write a narrative drama with music that could be narrated in Nepali (not sure what the language is actually called) to share about who Jesus was. This is gonna be a big task as I've never done something like this before at all- but maybe God will use me more to be a launching pad for others to help write this thing ( or at least I'm kinda hoping haha).

When I asked them about how to minister in Nepal/India they said that a question the people usually have is "Which God is stronger?" as they believe in many god's and may find it easy to just put Jesus in the category of just another little "g" god.  So in order to display his power God often performs many healings, and deliverances through the teams that go. Now I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm going to earnestly seek and believe he wants to do those things and even greater things through our team.

As far as I know what we are doing is working with a missionary family in the capital of Nepal. I have also overheard that we might be doing some work in the hill tribes, Himalaya's anyone? Then we head to India for 4 weeks to work with another missionary there.
If you want to support us in any way there are a few things that would be a huge blessing:

Prayers that we would be united as a team and be given wisdom and boldness to do what God is leading.

Prayer for finances for the members of the team who do not have their outreach portion yet.

Prayers for the missionaries/translators we will be working with- for vision, strength, and guidance

Prayers that God would be glorified in all we do above all else, that His love and power would be made known to the people there.

We also have a facebook group/newsletter you can follow for updates and pictures from our team along the way.  Just like this page and our feed will show up on yours :)

https://www.facebook.com/Mota201213NepalIndiaTeam

 If you have any questions about this trip or how you can support us feel free to email me.

Tess

The Heart behind the Art.

Ever had one of those moments where you suddenly realize that something isn't as important to you as it once was? Sometimes those can be discouraging because you realize it should be a higher priority to you but it isn't. In this case it's the opposite for me. I came here not even understanding that figuring out "My musical calling" was my main motivation.

Today as I was walking home and thinking about the day I noticed this strange contentedness instead of the anxiety I used to feel whenever I thought about my music.  Worries about never "making it" or getting too old or people not liking my style used to frequent my mind because that's what I thought God wanted, or at least I did, and I was afraid to fail. But being here my priorities have really switched. A few weeks ago he spoke to me about my music.

"Are you doing your art for me? For my glory? For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for the affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

He challenged me with this "If you knew that your art would never be considered necessarily great or special but blessed even one person to come to a greater knowledge of who I am would you still do it?"

*Please note that when I talk about hearing God's voice and I write it down, I am trying to communicate to you the impressions and leadings I felt in the moment and am not quoting exact words from God by any means.

I realized then that I had got my motivations all mixed up with the need for people's affirmation and feeling like I was good enough. He was right- he gave me the ability to do art in the first place- it wasn't about elevating myself but elevating him.  

Since I discovered that, it's like this load has been lifted. I don't need to strive anymore or place my art's worth in the hands of other people. He is in control of it all anyways. If I am doing it with the right motivation in humbleness to glorify him he will use it- even if I don't always see fruit. He exalts those who humble themselves before him at the proper time. (1 Peter 4:6-7)

It's really freeing to be falling in love with Jesus and understanding his love for me all over again. It's like the more I understand him and who he is, the more I understand how taken care of I am, and the less I have to worry about anything.

My music isn't why I'm here, He is, and I can honestly say right now that even if he took away my musical ability completely and used me for something completely apart from it I would be so overjoyed- because I love him- and I just want to please him.

In fact I do still think he has plans to use my music in some way, but I also feel his leading in the areas of speaking and teaching and discipling young people and it's so cool! Guys it feels so good to rest in the love of Jesus for once. I used to strive but I'm discovering so much freedom to just be myself in his love.

He is so so so good :)

Tess

Am I Big Enough?

Frequently throughout this DTS I have gone through periods of discouragement.  Being around other artists who are so talented, not even just at one thing, and comparing them to where I think I'm at has never turned out pretty.  Not only that but I've also watched as people get up to share prophetic words and encouragements that lift spirits so much by their truth and felt so incompetent in comparison.  I know God has a similar call on my life, to be a leader, to speak prophetic word and encouragement, to bring others to a place of worship but yet when think of getting up in front of a hundred people I feel scared. Scared that I'm going to say something wrong, something theologically incorrect, something that people will judge my faith and maturity by.  This is fear of man in action and I pray every day that God would break that, end it, but it just seems so impossible sometimes.

Yesterday in the middle of worship the spirit began to speak so clearly to me.  Sometimes we go through moments where we think we hear God speak but still doubt if it was our own voice because we really had to work hard to listen- but this was like a download from the Spirit, my pen was to the paper scribbling like mad trying to get it all in.

First he showed me a picture of him holding me as a child in his arms completely dependent on him, then he showed me a picture through his eyes of myself in the distance carrying my cross separated from him discouraged, weak, and falling under the burden of its weight.  

I knew what it meant. I needed to be completely dependent on him,  like a child. I will fail under the weight of sin and striving to die to myself if I do not invite him to be involved, because I was never meant to do it on my own.

He spoke so clearly "I am breaking your dependancy on people and making you dependant on me . What is anything you do if I am not involved? What value is it? Do you believe I am bigger than any problem you face? Any wall that stands against you? Any feeling of insufficiency or inability? - Do I take back my call? Does any word that leaves my mouth not accomplish what it set to do?

NO! My call is irrevocable (Rom 11:29)- every word that leaves my mouth will accomplish what it sets out to do (Isaiah 55:11) -Nothing can stand against me.

Humble yourself before me & I will exalt you in proper time- I care for you- Do not be afraid to cast all your anxieties on me. ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)

You need me. I will use you if you invite me too. I will not force myself on you if you act like you don't need my help, if you try to do it without me.

Do not put limits on what I can do- I want to change the way you SEE me- I am so much BIGGER than your finitely small understanding of me. If you really knew (really really knew) what I could do- you would see how pointless it is to not invite me in. "

Right then and there I had a revelation, one of the reasons I don't invite him in, or don't really seek him wholeheartedly for guidance or feel discouraged so often is because I don't really believe he is BIG ENOUGH.

Well I know he wants to use this DTS to change that, and while he will continue to speak to me like how he has been and change my perspective I also know that a huge part of perspective change comes from studying more of his word and really digging deep into his character and understanding how he has worked in the past.

It was crazy because right after God spoke this word to me (unbeknownst to anyone around me) one of the staff members came up and said almost exactly the same thing. "I feel like God really wants to change the way we think about him and show us how big he is, take away our feelings of insufficiency"..something along those lines.  Then later  that day our speaker for the week who's pick-up van had broke down insisted that he had a special word for us he had to share despite him getting there an hour late.  "I've been praying and I feel like God really wants to change our perspective of him this week, he wants to show us even more of who he is."  I was flabbergasted that I had received two confirmations on what I had heard so I shared it today in front of the whole DTS despite my fears. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me as I shared and I came to more of an understanding (verse about equipping us for every good work) of how when he asks me to do something he will perfectly equip me.   I don't need to be afraid.

I'm excited to see how he changes my perspective this week and through the rest of the Dts, how he takes the limits I have placed on him and blows them  to pieces.

Something else God was speaking to me about was the motivations behind my music.

"Are you doing your art for me?  For my glory?  For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

See if I'm doing it for my own glory and security I will constantly be discouraged. I know God didn't give me this gift for my own security of getting people's approval and feeling good enough. I need to get my approval from knowing I'm his daughter and know that I am good enough because he made me.  Even if my art isn't liked by everyone (which is true- it never will be) will I still keep doing it knowing that even if it show's Jesus love and truth to one person it will have all been worth it? Or will I just give up and let my own feelings of inadequacy defeat me?

A while back in the session with Donna Jordan on hearing God's voice we asked God a question- What game do you want to play with me? He told me a staring contest.

He reminded me again as in perfect timing "What about that staring contest? Fix your eyes on me and what I can do- not on your ability or circumstance."

Well to end this gigantic blog post off..The moral of the story is he is BIG enough and I just gotta really know who he is and believe it.  Right now I go through mood swings often because my feelings rest on the opinions of people, and on my opinions of myself not on who God says I am and who he is.

That needs to change.  Pray for me haha.

Tess

Kingdom lessons..

It's a quiet tuesday evening and I am sitting alone in the Doner restaurant nearby to the apartments. Thoughts about the future have been constant these past couple days and it's nice to get away from all the chaos sometimes.

Nurnburg was an experience for sure.  We were often pushed to go out on the streets and find creative ways to share our love for jesus with people. Whether it was by talking to the barista at the local starbucks, or striking conversation with the woman in the marketplace, or meeting people while worshipping outside of the big church in the city center we found ways to build relationships and serve others.  No, nobody accepted jesus right there on the spot, but we learned to share Jesus heart with others, and saw him working in the little things we did in simple obedience.  He really does love each one of us so much and knowing that he cares more about every person than I can is so reassuring sometimes.  He is patient with each person wanting them all to come to know him, and I can rest in knowing that I am only a planter of his truth- he provides the growth.

I met this one elderly man named france after doing our epic flashmob in the city center (pictured above) . He was so excited that I came to talk to him and wanted to give me and the girl I pulled over to translate a tour of Lorenz Kirsch, the historic church we stood in front of. Turns out he met a few more of us Ywamer's later on in the day where they invited him out to our event night the next day. I didn't know about it till I arrived at the event and Evelyn came up to me and said "Tess! France is here!" After some warm greetings with him despite the language barrier he gave us some homemade cake from Nurnburg and told us how encouraged and blessed he was to meet us. Just being able to see the joy on his face made the whole trip worth it.

There were other countless stories similar to that one, a couple girls met a woman from Paraguay who had turned away from the Lord and were able to encourage her. Later that evening after praying for her they witnessed her broken foot get healed. 

Despite the discouragement I felt sometimes in not being able to see the "huge" things I anticipated according to my human standard- signs, wonders, miracles etc. I understood the kingdom so much more. There is so much value in the things that may seem little to me, because they are in no way little to God. God is with us each day, he never runs out of time, and he works with us in a pace we can handle, he never forces himself on us. He wants us to develop faith and patience and perseverance as we trust him. Faith is hope in the unseen, and if he were to do huge things all the time we would take it for granted and never learn to be dependent on him even when we find it hard to see him working. He is more concerned about the process of us learning to be in relationship with him, than the results.

Oftentimes we try to achieve for him rather than just be with him. But he doesn't need our achievement, he didn't create us for what he could "use us to do". He could easily do everything we could do in a second. What he created us for was relationship with him- and it is out of our communion with him- that we bear his fruit. John 15:4-5 "Abide in me, and I in you, As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Learning just to rest in God and who he is has been a challenge.  My life for the year before consisted of lots of achieving for him (Prayer Team, Youth Ministry, Worship Team, Saving for Ywam etc) while neglecting to spend a lot of real genuine time with him in prayer, solitude, and worship.

My thinking is getting turned upside down here. It's been so challenging but oh so good. There are so many other things I have been learning but I will save those for another blog post cause this one is getting quite long.

I miss you all terribly!

Tess

First Music Outreach. Off to Nurnburg tomorrow!!

We had our first music outreach last weekend. As we split off into groups my expectations for what the weekend might look like involved just playing some songs and smiling at people.

I was so far off.

We decided to go to Gorlitz, a city about a 30min drive away from Herrnhut.  It's not as small as Lobau or Zittau and is split between Germany and Poland which is really cool. The morning we left it had been really sunny but as we drove the clouds hung over us. Keila (my new spanish friend) said a quick prayer and when we arrived the sun came out again. We grabbed our instruments and planted ourselves in the middle of the city right by the busy train station. Propped up on Keila's guitar case was a cardboard sign written with the words "Free Music, Free Love, Free Prayers".  As we started to play it began to catch people's attention. I'm not gonna lie we sounded really good haha. People began to walk by and we had a couple folks drop money in the case but it wasn't till it started to rain that the real action began. The main covering area for the train station became a hub for people to avoid the rain and listen to our music. If not for the rain we probably wouldn't have met martin and his friends, a rough looking group of homeless young adults with beers in their hands.

As Tabea and Kevin (the two German's in our group) conversed with them and shared about what we were doing some of them left leaving behind martin who kindly offered to show us to the border of Poland. At first I was a little skeptical about going with him but I'm glad we did. As Tabea walked and talked with him he began to open up a bit about his rough past, how he got in trouble with the law, was unable to get a job, and was now stuck on the street with unstable friends who could leave him at any moment.

We continued conversation till it was time to say our goodbyes. We were all thinking about asking him to join us for coffee but no one asked. As he was walking away he got stopped by another MOTA student in perfect timing and we rushed up to ask him if he would like to come with us. He said yes.

As we sat down in the nearby cafe I could tell Tabea and Kevin were really getting in deep conversation with him.  A talk about what school we went to had led into talk about outreach which led into him asking about how to hear God's voice which led into Kevin and Tabea sharing their testimonies with him.

While Hannah and I didn't share much as we didn't speak German we both got impressions for him and I gave him a word about how God knew his struggles and what he'd been through and loved him regardless. He looked teary eyed after Tabea translated it for him. After we were finished  we invited him out to our critique night and while he said he would come but didn't, we still pray he encountered God's love even just a little bit during our time with him.

After being astonished by God's goodness we continued along our trip checking into a few cafe's to see if we could play there some time. In the first couple the manager was absent and we were given a card. We kept walking and finally stumbled upon this place with a giant beautiful garden/patio out back.  The owner was right there with her kids and we started conversation only to discover that she had been wanting musicians and artists to help her bring a new vibe to the cafe as she had only bought it 5 weeks ago.  We told her we would definitely be back and maybe bring some others along with us.  She seemed really interested in our school and we couldn't help thinking that this could be such a great opportunity for future MOTA concerts and events.

Well that's how our first mini mini outreach went. We were bursting with excitement and thankfulness for what he had accomplished and what he had in store for us still. We leave for 2 weeks to Nurnburg for our mini outreach this Sunday and I am so excited to tell you the stories of what will happen then.

Sorry this was so long- but I wanted to capture as much of it as I could.

 I miss you all. Tess :)

Seek me for "Me" not for the adventure I can bring to your life.

For the past two weeks we had a speaker named Donna Jordan, an older woman with a grandmother's heart who talked about "hearing the voice of God".  In the beginning I was skeptical because she made it look so easy and talked about Jesus like he was her greatest lover and best friend. Now I know this truth deeply, that Jesus is my greatest lover and best friend but yet something in me was repelling the way she was saying it. Back at my home church this "Jesus is my best buddy, all cuddly and casual" gospel is rejected because Jesus is also Holy and Almighty and Powerful beyond what we can imagine.  Often the "Jesus is our lover and our comfort" is preached alone without the rest of the picture of who he is, leading people to view him casually and see him more as a therapist there to meet all their needs than a Lord who they should fear (fear as in be in reverance of). I talked  to a staff member about it and she acknowledged that I had been taught well back home, and she reassured me that Donna has full knowledge of the big picture of who Jesus is, but was just focusing on this aspect of his character this week.

After realizing that I became more open to what she had to say. God does speak to us, in fact it says that "His sheep know his voice". I knew that, I just lost touch of what it meant to be listening for his voice and going to him every step of every day for guidance.  I also know that sometimes he chooses not to answer our questions to build faith or reliance or for his good purposes we can't comprehend, and sometimes things like sin, and a calloused conscience, fear of man, and a wrong understand of who he is can block his voice.  However on the last day he spoke to me so deeply it led to me to the ground crying in repentance.

We were given some quiet time to ask God three questions, the answer I received from the second one ruined me.

"What are your plans and purposes for me?"

I wrote, and his words flowed right onto the paper.

"The reason I don't give you the answer to this question is because I know if I did you would immediately try to do it on your own strength. You don't always need to be achieving for me, sometimes I just love to be with you. I will give you the pieces- I've brought you this far haven't I? I'm teaching you to rest in me, to love me for who I "am" not what "adventure"  I can bring in your life. I desire to see you flourish, I want to use you to bring many into the kingdom , to bring healing to hurting souls, to speak my words and sing songs of joy, I will not disappoint you.  Seek me and you will find "Me" not the plans of your life. Leave the control of them to me, it's not your job or worry. I can handle it for myself. "

So let me explain why this answer was so perfect. First of all I'm a GO GETTER and a FIGHTER. I was always a strong willed child, when I wanted something I was determined to get it. I'm also a hard worker and a planner so I like to get things done, and be in control of how they get done. When the Lord asked me to start a youth worship team I did it, when he asked me to start a prayer team for my young adults group I did it, when he asked me to raise over 12,000 dollars for Germany I did it. All of those things were in his timing. I think he knows though that I want to achieve for him and walk into what he has for me so bad right now , that if He told me I would rush it, and try to do it without waiting for his perfect timing. So he is teaching me how to Love him for who he is, not the adventure or thrill that a life following him brings. I guess a question I need to ask myself is if God told me that I would just work an average job, dull, repetitive, without much excitement, and to raise an average family, in a middle class community and not do much else would I still want to really follow Him? Now I know that that is not the plans he has for me at all, in fact it says that "No eye has seen, No ear has heard, No mind can conceive the great plans God has for those who love him." but asking that question reveals my motives for seeking him so clearly, and that needs to change.

No one wants to be friends with someone who is only their friend because of what they can give them. And unfortunately I have been taking advantage of "God" a bit in this way and using him to try to satisfy my own selfish desires. Well he's not letting me anymore and I'm glad. I do love him and want to know him deeper.

He's changed my heart for this DTS, if all I achieve is knowing him more and discovering who he more clearly then I will be content.

Amen.