Am I Big Enough?

Frequently throughout this DTS I have gone through periods of discouragement.  Being around other artists who are so talented, not even just at one thing, and comparing them to where I think I'm at has never turned out pretty.  Not only that but I've also watched as people get up to share prophetic words and encouragements that lift spirits so much by their truth and felt so incompetent in comparison.  I know God has a similar call on my life, to be a leader, to speak prophetic word and encouragement, to bring others to a place of worship but yet when think of getting up in front of a hundred people I feel scared. Scared that I'm going to say something wrong, something theologically incorrect, something that people will judge my faith and maturity by.  This is fear of man in action and I pray every day that God would break that, end it, but it just seems so impossible sometimes.

Yesterday in the middle of worship the spirit began to speak so clearly to me.  Sometimes we go through moments where we think we hear God speak but still doubt if it was our own voice because we really had to work hard to listen- but this was like a download from the Spirit, my pen was to the paper scribbling like mad trying to get it all in.

First he showed me a picture of him holding me as a child in his arms completely dependent on him, then he showed me a picture through his eyes of myself in the distance carrying my cross separated from him discouraged, weak, and falling under the burden of its weight.  

I knew what it meant. I needed to be completely dependent on him,  like a child. I will fail under the weight of sin and striving to die to myself if I do not invite him to be involved, because I was never meant to do it on my own.

He spoke so clearly "I am breaking your dependancy on people and making you dependant on me . What is anything you do if I am not involved? What value is it? Do you believe I am bigger than any problem you face? Any wall that stands against you? Any feeling of insufficiency or inability? - Do I take back my call? Does any word that leaves my mouth not accomplish what it set to do?

NO! My call is irrevocable (Rom 11:29)- every word that leaves my mouth will accomplish what it sets out to do (Isaiah 55:11) -Nothing can stand against me.

Humble yourself before me & I will exalt you in proper time- I care for you- Do not be afraid to cast all your anxieties on me. ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)

You need me. I will use you if you invite me too. I will not force myself on you if you act like you don't need my help, if you try to do it without me.

Do not put limits on what I can do- I want to change the way you SEE me- I am so much BIGGER than your finitely small understanding of me. If you really knew (really really knew) what I could do- you would see how pointless it is to not invite me in. "

Right then and there I had a revelation, one of the reasons I don't invite him in, or don't really seek him wholeheartedly for guidance or feel discouraged so often is because I don't really believe he is BIG ENOUGH.

Well I know he wants to use this DTS to change that, and while he will continue to speak to me like how he has been and change my perspective I also know that a huge part of perspective change comes from studying more of his word and really digging deep into his character and understanding how he has worked in the past.

It was crazy because right after God spoke this word to me (unbeknownst to anyone around me) one of the staff members came up and said almost exactly the same thing. "I feel like God really wants to change the way we think about him and show us how big he is, take away our feelings of insufficiency"..something along those lines.  Then later  that day our speaker for the week who's pick-up van had broke down insisted that he had a special word for us he had to share despite him getting there an hour late.  "I've been praying and I feel like God really wants to change our perspective of him this week, he wants to show us even more of who he is."  I was flabbergasted that I had received two confirmations on what I had heard so I shared it today in front of the whole DTS despite my fears. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me as I shared and I came to more of an understanding (verse about equipping us for every good work) of how when he asks me to do something he will perfectly equip me.   I don't need to be afraid.

I'm excited to see how he changes my perspective this week and through the rest of the Dts, how he takes the limits I have placed on him and blows them  to pieces.

Something else God was speaking to me about was the motivations behind my music.

"Are you doing your art for me?  For my glory?  For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

See if I'm doing it for my own glory and security I will constantly be discouraged. I know God didn't give me this gift for my own security of getting people's approval and feeling good enough. I need to get my approval from knowing I'm his daughter and know that I am good enough because he made me.  Even if my art isn't liked by everyone (which is true- it never will be) will I still keep doing it knowing that even if it show's Jesus love and truth to one person it will have all been worth it? Or will I just give up and let my own feelings of inadequacy defeat me?

A while back in the session with Donna Jordan on hearing God's voice we asked God a question- What game do you want to play with me? He told me a staring contest.

He reminded me again as in perfect timing "What about that staring contest? Fix your eyes on me and what I can do- not on your ability or circumstance."

Well to end this gigantic blog post off..The moral of the story is he is BIG enough and I just gotta really know who he is and believe it.  Right now I go through mood swings often because my feelings rest on the opinions of people, and on my opinions of myself not on who God says I am and who he is.

That needs to change.  Pray for me haha.

Tess