Am I Big Enough?

Frequently throughout this DTS I have gone through periods of discouragement.  Being around other artists who are so talented, not even just at one thing, and comparing them to where I think I'm at has never turned out pretty.  Not only that but I've also watched as people get up to share prophetic words and encouragements that lift spirits so much by their truth and felt so incompetent in comparison.  I know God has a similar call on my life, to be a leader, to speak prophetic word and encouragement, to bring others to a place of worship but yet when think of getting up in front of a hundred people I feel scared. Scared that I'm going to say something wrong, something theologically incorrect, something that people will judge my faith and maturity by.  This is fear of man in action and I pray every day that God would break that, end it, but it just seems so impossible sometimes.

Yesterday in the middle of worship the spirit began to speak so clearly to me.  Sometimes we go through moments where we think we hear God speak but still doubt if it was our own voice because we really had to work hard to listen- but this was like a download from the Spirit, my pen was to the paper scribbling like mad trying to get it all in.

First he showed me a picture of him holding me as a child in his arms completely dependent on him, then he showed me a picture through his eyes of myself in the distance carrying my cross separated from him discouraged, weak, and falling under the burden of its weight.  

I knew what it meant. I needed to be completely dependent on him,  like a child. I will fail under the weight of sin and striving to die to myself if I do not invite him to be involved, because I was never meant to do it on my own.

He spoke so clearly "I am breaking your dependancy on people and making you dependant on me . What is anything you do if I am not involved? What value is it? Do you believe I am bigger than any problem you face? Any wall that stands against you? Any feeling of insufficiency or inability? - Do I take back my call? Does any word that leaves my mouth not accomplish what it set to do?

NO! My call is irrevocable (Rom 11:29)- every word that leaves my mouth will accomplish what it sets out to do (Isaiah 55:11) -Nothing can stand against me.

Humble yourself before me & I will exalt you in proper time- I care for you- Do not be afraid to cast all your anxieties on me. ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)

You need me. I will use you if you invite me too. I will not force myself on you if you act like you don't need my help, if you try to do it without me.

Do not put limits on what I can do- I want to change the way you SEE me- I am so much BIGGER than your finitely small understanding of me. If you really knew (really really knew) what I could do- you would see how pointless it is to not invite me in. "

Right then and there I had a revelation, one of the reasons I don't invite him in, or don't really seek him wholeheartedly for guidance or feel discouraged so often is because I don't really believe he is BIG ENOUGH.

Well I know he wants to use this DTS to change that, and while he will continue to speak to me like how he has been and change my perspective I also know that a huge part of perspective change comes from studying more of his word and really digging deep into his character and understanding how he has worked in the past.

It was crazy because right after God spoke this word to me (unbeknownst to anyone around me) one of the staff members came up and said almost exactly the same thing. "I feel like God really wants to change the way we think about him and show us how big he is, take away our feelings of insufficiency"..something along those lines.  Then later  that day our speaker for the week who's pick-up van had broke down insisted that he had a special word for us he had to share despite him getting there an hour late.  "I've been praying and I feel like God really wants to change our perspective of him this week, he wants to show us even more of who he is."  I was flabbergasted that I had received two confirmations on what I had heard so I shared it today in front of the whole DTS despite my fears. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me as I shared and I came to more of an understanding (verse about equipping us for every good work) of how when he asks me to do something he will perfectly equip me.   I don't need to be afraid.

I'm excited to see how he changes my perspective this week and through the rest of the Dts, how he takes the limits I have placed on him and blows them  to pieces.

Something else God was speaking to me about was the motivations behind my music.

"Are you doing your art for me?  For my glory?  For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

See if I'm doing it for my own glory and security I will constantly be discouraged. I know God didn't give me this gift for my own security of getting people's approval and feeling good enough. I need to get my approval from knowing I'm his daughter and know that I am good enough because he made me.  Even if my art isn't liked by everyone (which is true- it never will be) will I still keep doing it knowing that even if it show's Jesus love and truth to one person it will have all been worth it? Or will I just give up and let my own feelings of inadequacy defeat me?

A while back in the session with Donna Jordan on hearing God's voice we asked God a question- What game do you want to play with me? He told me a staring contest.

He reminded me again as in perfect timing "What about that staring contest? Fix your eyes on me and what I can do- not on your ability or circumstance."

Well to end this gigantic blog post off..The moral of the story is he is BIG enough and I just gotta really know who he is and believe it.  Right now I go through mood swings often because my feelings rest on the opinions of people, and on my opinions of myself not on who God says I am and who he is.

That needs to change.  Pray for me haha.

Tess

Kingdom lessons..

It's a quiet tuesday evening and I am sitting alone in the Doner restaurant nearby to the apartments. Thoughts about the future have been constant these past couple days and it's nice to get away from all the chaos sometimes.

Nurnburg was an experience for sure.  We were often pushed to go out on the streets and find creative ways to share our love for jesus with people. Whether it was by talking to the barista at the local starbucks, or striking conversation with the woman in the marketplace, or meeting people while worshipping outside of the big church in the city center we found ways to build relationships and serve others.  No, nobody accepted jesus right there on the spot, but we learned to share Jesus heart with others, and saw him working in the little things we did in simple obedience.  He really does love each one of us so much and knowing that he cares more about every person than I can is so reassuring sometimes.  He is patient with each person wanting them all to come to know him, and I can rest in knowing that I am only a planter of his truth- he provides the growth.

I met this one elderly man named france after doing our epic flashmob in the city center (pictured above) . He was so excited that I came to talk to him and wanted to give me and the girl I pulled over to translate a tour of Lorenz Kirsch, the historic church we stood in front of. Turns out he met a few more of us Ywamer's later on in the day where they invited him out to our event night the next day. I didn't know about it till I arrived at the event and Evelyn came up to me and said "Tess! France is here!" After some warm greetings with him despite the language barrier he gave us some homemade cake from Nurnburg and told us how encouraged and blessed he was to meet us. Just being able to see the joy on his face made the whole trip worth it.

There were other countless stories similar to that one, a couple girls met a woman from Paraguay who had turned away from the Lord and were able to encourage her. Later that evening after praying for her they witnessed her broken foot get healed. 

Despite the discouragement I felt sometimes in not being able to see the "huge" things I anticipated according to my human standard- signs, wonders, miracles etc. I understood the kingdom so much more. There is so much value in the things that may seem little to me, because they are in no way little to God. God is with us each day, he never runs out of time, and he works with us in a pace we can handle, he never forces himself on us. He wants us to develop faith and patience and perseverance as we trust him. Faith is hope in the unseen, and if he were to do huge things all the time we would take it for granted and never learn to be dependent on him even when we find it hard to see him working. He is more concerned about the process of us learning to be in relationship with him, than the results.

Oftentimes we try to achieve for him rather than just be with him. But he doesn't need our achievement, he didn't create us for what he could "use us to do". He could easily do everything we could do in a second. What he created us for was relationship with him- and it is out of our communion with him- that we bear his fruit. John 15:4-5 "Abide in me, and I in you, As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Learning just to rest in God and who he is has been a challenge.  My life for the year before consisted of lots of achieving for him (Prayer Team, Youth Ministry, Worship Team, Saving for Ywam etc) while neglecting to spend a lot of real genuine time with him in prayer, solitude, and worship.

My thinking is getting turned upside down here. It's been so challenging but oh so good. There are so many other things I have been learning but I will save those for another blog post cause this one is getting quite long.

I miss you all terribly!

Tess

First Music Outreach. Off to Nurnburg tomorrow!!

We had our first music outreach last weekend. As we split off into groups my expectations for what the weekend might look like involved just playing some songs and smiling at people.

I was so far off.

We decided to go to Gorlitz, a city about a 30min drive away from Herrnhut.  It's not as small as Lobau or Zittau and is split between Germany and Poland which is really cool. The morning we left it had been really sunny but as we drove the clouds hung over us. Keila (my new spanish friend) said a quick prayer and when we arrived the sun came out again. We grabbed our instruments and planted ourselves in the middle of the city right by the busy train station. Propped up on Keila's guitar case was a cardboard sign written with the words "Free Music, Free Love, Free Prayers".  As we started to play it began to catch people's attention. I'm not gonna lie we sounded really good haha. People began to walk by and we had a couple folks drop money in the case but it wasn't till it started to rain that the real action began. The main covering area for the train station became a hub for people to avoid the rain and listen to our music. If not for the rain we probably wouldn't have met martin and his friends, a rough looking group of homeless young adults with beers in their hands.

As Tabea and Kevin (the two German's in our group) conversed with them and shared about what we were doing some of them left leaving behind martin who kindly offered to show us to the border of Poland. At first I was a little skeptical about going with him but I'm glad we did. As Tabea walked and talked with him he began to open up a bit about his rough past, how he got in trouble with the law, was unable to get a job, and was now stuck on the street with unstable friends who could leave him at any moment.

We continued conversation till it was time to say our goodbyes. We were all thinking about asking him to join us for coffee but no one asked. As he was walking away he got stopped by another MOTA student in perfect timing and we rushed up to ask him if he would like to come with us. He said yes.

As we sat down in the nearby cafe I could tell Tabea and Kevin were really getting in deep conversation with him.  A talk about what school we went to had led into talk about outreach which led into him asking about how to hear God's voice which led into Kevin and Tabea sharing their testimonies with him.

While Hannah and I didn't share much as we didn't speak German we both got impressions for him and I gave him a word about how God knew his struggles and what he'd been through and loved him regardless. He looked teary eyed after Tabea translated it for him. After we were finished  we invited him out to our critique night and while he said he would come but didn't, we still pray he encountered God's love even just a little bit during our time with him.

After being astonished by God's goodness we continued along our trip checking into a few cafe's to see if we could play there some time. In the first couple the manager was absent and we were given a card. We kept walking and finally stumbled upon this place with a giant beautiful garden/patio out back.  The owner was right there with her kids and we started conversation only to discover that she had been wanting musicians and artists to help her bring a new vibe to the cafe as she had only bought it 5 weeks ago.  We told her we would definitely be back and maybe bring some others along with us.  She seemed really interested in our school and we couldn't help thinking that this could be such a great opportunity for future MOTA concerts and events.

Well that's how our first mini mini outreach went. We were bursting with excitement and thankfulness for what he had accomplished and what he had in store for us still. We leave for 2 weeks to Nurnburg for our mini outreach this Sunday and I am so excited to tell you the stories of what will happen then.

Sorry this was so long- but I wanted to capture as much of it as I could.

 I miss you all. Tess :)