If growth could be counted or measured- I don't know where I would be- but I'm starting to see a new side of things, a new side of me, a whole new way of walking in my God given destiny.

Outreach is almost here!

Only 1 week before outreach to Nepal/India. Its approaching incredibly fast and I'm still in shock at how close it is. Things these past couple weeks have been a bit hectic with preparations and such, but God is giving me such a heart and vision for the people there that I am waiting in joyful anticipation. We had a meeting a couple weeks ago where two staff who had been there shared about their experiences. As they were talking I got this vision to write a narrative drama with music that could be narrated in Nepali (not sure what the language is actually called) to share about who Jesus was. This is gonna be a big task as I've never done something like this before at all- but maybe God will use me more to be a launching pad for others to help write this thing ( or at least I'm kinda hoping haha).

When I asked them about how to minister in Nepal/India they said that a question the people usually have is "Which God is stronger?" as they believe in many god's and may find it easy to just put Jesus in the category of just another little "g" god.  So in order to display his power God often performs many healings, and deliverances through the teams that go. Now I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm going to earnestly seek and believe he wants to do those things and even greater things through our team.

As far as I know what we are doing is working with a missionary family in the capital of Nepal. I have also overheard that we might be doing some work in the hill tribes, Himalaya's anyone? Then we head to India for 4 weeks to work with another missionary there.
If you want to support us in any way there are a few things that would be a huge blessing:

Prayers that we would be united as a team and be given wisdom and boldness to do what God is leading.

Prayer for finances for the members of the team who do not have their outreach portion yet.

Prayers for the missionaries/translators we will be working with- for vision, strength, and guidance

Prayers that God would be glorified in all we do above all else, that His love and power would be made known to the people there.

We also have a facebook group/newsletter you can follow for updates and pictures from our team along the way.  Just like this page and our feed will show up on yours :)

https://www.facebook.com/Mota201213NepalIndiaTeam

 If you have any questions about this trip or how you can support us feel free to email me.

Tess

The Heart behind the Art.

Ever had one of those moments where you suddenly realize that something isn't as important to you as it once was? Sometimes those can be discouraging because you realize it should be a higher priority to you but it isn't. In this case it's the opposite for me. I came here not even understanding that figuring out "My musical calling" was my main motivation.

Today as I was walking home and thinking about the day I noticed this strange contentedness instead of the anxiety I used to feel whenever I thought about my music.  Worries about never "making it" or getting too old or people not liking my style used to frequent my mind because that's what I thought God wanted, or at least I did, and I was afraid to fail. But being here my priorities have really switched. A few weeks ago he spoke to me about my music.

"Are you doing your art for me? For my glory? For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for the affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

He challenged me with this "If you knew that your art would never be considered necessarily great or special but blessed even one person to come to a greater knowledge of who I am would you still do it?"

*Please note that when I talk about hearing God's voice and I write it down, I am trying to communicate to you the impressions and leadings I felt in the moment and am not quoting exact words from God by any means.

I realized then that I had got my motivations all mixed up with the need for people's affirmation and feeling like I was good enough. He was right- he gave me the ability to do art in the first place- it wasn't about elevating myself but elevating him.  

Since I discovered that, it's like this load has been lifted. I don't need to strive anymore or place my art's worth in the hands of other people. He is in control of it all anyways. If I am doing it with the right motivation in humbleness to glorify him he will use it- even if I don't always see fruit. He exalts those who humble themselves before him at the proper time. (1 Peter 4:6-7)

It's really freeing to be falling in love with Jesus and understanding his love for me all over again. It's like the more I understand him and who he is, the more I understand how taken care of I am, and the less I have to worry about anything.

My music isn't why I'm here, He is, and I can honestly say right now that even if he took away my musical ability completely and used me for something completely apart from it I would be so overjoyed- because I love him- and I just want to please him.

In fact I do still think he has plans to use my music in some way, but I also feel his leading in the areas of speaking and teaching and discipling young people and it's so cool! Guys it feels so good to rest in the love of Jesus for once. I used to strive but I'm discovering so much freedom to just be myself in his love.

He is so so so good :)

Tess

Am I Big Enough?

Frequently throughout this DTS I have gone through periods of discouragement.  Being around other artists who are so talented, not even just at one thing, and comparing them to where I think I'm at has never turned out pretty.  Not only that but I've also watched as people get up to share prophetic words and encouragements that lift spirits so much by their truth and felt so incompetent in comparison.  I know God has a similar call on my life, to be a leader, to speak prophetic word and encouragement, to bring others to a place of worship but yet when think of getting up in front of a hundred people I feel scared. Scared that I'm going to say something wrong, something theologically incorrect, something that people will judge my faith and maturity by.  This is fear of man in action and I pray every day that God would break that, end it, but it just seems so impossible sometimes.

Yesterday in the middle of worship the spirit began to speak so clearly to me.  Sometimes we go through moments where we think we hear God speak but still doubt if it was our own voice because we really had to work hard to listen- but this was like a download from the Spirit, my pen was to the paper scribbling like mad trying to get it all in.

First he showed me a picture of him holding me as a child in his arms completely dependent on him, then he showed me a picture through his eyes of myself in the distance carrying my cross separated from him discouraged, weak, and falling under the burden of its weight.  

I knew what it meant. I needed to be completely dependent on him,  like a child. I will fail under the weight of sin and striving to die to myself if I do not invite him to be involved, because I was never meant to do it on my own.

He spoke so clearly "I am breaking your dependancy on people and making you dependant on me . What is anything you do if I am not involved? What value is it? Do you believe I am bigger than any problem you face? Any wall that stands against you? Any feeling of insufficiency or inability? - Do I take back my call? Does any word that leaves my mouth not accomplish what it set to do?

NO! My call is irrevocable (Rom 11:29)- every word that leaves my mouth will accomplish what it sets out to do (Isaiah 55:11) -Nothing can stand against me.

Humble yourself before me & I will exalt you in proper time- I care for you- Do not be afraid to cast all your anxieties on me. ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)

You need me. I will use you if you invite me too. I will not force myself on you if you act like you don't need my help, if you try to do it without me.

Do not put limits on what I can do- I want to change the way you SEE me- I am so much BIGGER than your finitely small understanding of me. If you really knew (really really knew) what I could do- you would see how pointless it is to not invite me in. "

Right then and there I had a revelation, one of the reasons I don't invite him in, or don't really seek him wholeheartedly for guidance or feel discouraged so often is because I don't really believe he is BIG ENOUGH.

Well I know he wants to use this DTS to change that, and while he will continue to speak to me like how he has been and change my perspective I also know that a huge part of perspective change comes from studying more of his word and really digging deep into his character and understanding how he has worked in the past.

It was crazy because right after God spoke this word to me (unbeknownst to anyone around me) one of the staff members came up and said almost exactly the same thing. "I feel like God really wants to change the way we think about him and show us how big he is, take away our feelings of insufficiency"..something along those lines.  Then later  that day our speaker for the week who's pick-up van had broke down insisted that he had a special word for us he had to share despite him getting there an hour late.  "I've been praying and I feel like God really wants to change our perspective of him this week, he wants to show us even more of who he is."  I was flabbergasted that I had received two confirmations on what I had heard so I shared it today in front of the whole DTS despite my fears. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me as I shared and I came to more of an understanding (verse about equipping us for every good work) of how when he asks me to do something he will perfectly equip me.   I don't need to be afraid.

I'm excited to see how he changes my perspective this week and through the rest of the Dts, how he takes the limits I have placed on him and blows them  to pieces.

Something else God was speaking to me about was the motivations behind my music.

"Are you doing your art for me?  For my glory?  For making me known? For touching the hearts of my children? Or for affirmation from others? For feeling like you have achieved something esteemed by them? For feeling significant and important? "

See if I'm doing it for my own glory and security I will constantly be discouraged. I know God didn't give me this gift for my own security of getting people's approval and feeling good enough. I need to get my approval from knowing I'm his daughter and know that I am good enough because he made me.  Even if my art isn't liked by everyone (which is true- it never will be) will I still keep doing it knowing that even if it show's Jesus love and truth to one person it will have all been worth it? Or will I just give up and let my own feelings of inadequacy defeat me?

A while back in the session with Donna Jordan on hearing God's voice we asked God a question- What game do you want to play with me? He told me a staring contest.

He reminded me again as in perfect timing "What about that staring contest? Fix your eyes on me and what I can do- not on your ability or circumstance."

Well to end this gigantic blog post off..The moral of the story is he is BIG enough and I just gotta really know who he is and believe it.  Right now I go through mood swings often because my feelings rest on the opinions of people, and on my opinions of myself not on who God says I am and who he is.

That needs to change.  Pray for me haha.

Tess

Kingdom lessons..

It's a quiet tuesday evening and I am sitting alone in the Doner restaurant nearby to the apartments. Thoughts about the future have been constant these past couple days and it's nice to get away from all the chaos sometimes.

Nurnburg was an experience for sure.  We were often pushed to go out on the streets and find creative ways to share our love for jesus with people. Whether it was by talking to the barista at the local starbucks, or striking conversation with the woman in the marketplace, or meeting people while worshipping outside of the big church in the city center we found ways to build relationships and serve others.  No, nobody accepted jesus right there on the spot, but we learned to share Jesus heart with others, and saw him working in the little things we did in simple obedience.  He really does love each one of us so much and knowing that he cares more about every person than I can is so reassuring sometimes.  He is patient with each person wanting them all to come to know him, and I can rest in knowing that I am only a planter of his truth- he provides the growth.

I met this one elderly man named france after doing our epic flashmob in the city center (pictured above) . He was so excited that I came to talk to him and wanted to give me and the girl I pulled over to translate a tour of Lorenz Kirsch, the historic church we stood in front of. Turns out he met a few more of us Ywamer's later on in the day where they invited him out to our event night the next day. I didn't know about it till I arrived at the event and Evelyn came up to me and said "Tess! France is here!" After some warm greetings with him despite the language barrier he gave us some homemade cake from Nurnburg and told us how encouraged and blessed he was to meet us. Just being able to see the joy on his face made the whole trip worth it.

There were other countless stories similar to that one, a couple girls met a woman from Paraguay who had turned away from the Lord and were able to encourage her. Later that evening after praying for her they witnessed her broken foot get healed. 

Despite the discouragement I felt sometimes in not being able to see the "huge" things I anticipated according to my human standard- signs, wonders, miracles etc. I understood the kingdom so much more. There is so much value in the things that may seem little to me, because they are in no way little to God. God is with us each day, he never runs out of time, and he works with us in a pace we can handle, he never forces himself on us. He wants us to develop faith and patience and perseverance as we trust him. Faith is hope in the unseen, and if he were to do huge things all the time we would take it for granted and never learn to be dependent on him even when we find it hard to see him working. He is more concerned about the process of us learning to be in relationship with him, than the results.

Oftentimes we try to achieve for him rather than just be with him. But he doesn't need our achievement, he didn't create us for what he could "use us to do". He could easily do everything we could do in a second. What he created us for was relationship with him- and it is out of our communion with him- that we bear his fruit. John 15:4-5 "Abide in me, and I in you, As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Learning just to rest in God and who he is has been a challenge.  My life for the year before consisted of lots of achieving for him (Prayer Team, Youth Ministry, Worship Team, Saving for Ywam etc) while neglecting to spend a lot of real genuine time with him in prayer, solitude, and worship.

My thinking is getting turned upside down here. It's been so challenging but oh so good. There are so many other things I have been learning but I will save those for another blog post cause this one is getting quite long.

I miss you all terribly!

Tess

First Music Outreach. Off to Nurnburg tomorrow!!

We had our first music outreach last weekend. As we split off into groups my expectations for what the weekend might look like involved just playing some songs and smiling at people.

I was so far off.

We decided to go to Gorlitz, a city about a 30min drive away from Herrnhut.  It's not as small as Lobau or Zittau and is split between Germany and Poland which is really cool. The morning we left it had been really sunny but as we drove the clouds hung over us. Keila (my new spanish friend) said a quick prayer and when we arrived the sun came out again. We grabbed our instruments and planted ourselves in the middle of the city right by the busy train station. Propped up on Keila's guitar case was a cardboard sign written with the words "Free Music, Free Love, Free Prayers".  As we started to play it began to catch people's attention. I'm not gonna lie we sounded really good haha. People began to walk by and we had a couple folks drop money in the case but it wasn't till it started to rain that the real action began. The main covering area for the train station became a hub for people to avoid the rain and listen to our music. If not for the rain we probably wouldn't have met martin and his friends, a rough looking group of homeless young adults with beers in their hands.

As Tabea and Kevin (the two German's in our group) conversed with them and shared about what we were doing some of them left leaving behind martin who kindly offered to show us to the border of Poland. At first I was a little skeptical about going with him but I'm glad we did. As Tabea walked and talked with him he began to open up a bit about his rough past, how he got in trouble with the law, was unable to get a job, and was now stuck on the street with unstable friends who could leave him at any moment.

We continued conversation till it was time to say our goodbyes. We were all thinking about asking him to join us for coffee but no one asked. As he was walking away he got stopped by another MOTA student in perfect timing and we rushed up to ask him if he would like to come with us. He said yes.

As we sat down in the nearby cafe I could tell Tabea and Kevin were really getting in deep conversation with him.  A talk about what school we went to had led into talk about outreach which led into him asking about how to hear God's voice which led into Kevin and Tabea sharing their testimonies with him.

While Hannah and I didn't share much as we didn't speak German we both got impressions for him and I gave him a word about how God knew his struggles and what he'd been through and loved him regardless. He looked teary eyed after Tabea translated it for him. After we were finished  we invited him out to our critique night and while he said he would come but didn't, we still pray he encountered God's love even just a little bit during our time with him.

After being astonished by God's goodness we continued along our trip checking into a few cafe's to see if we could play there some time. In the first couple the manager was absent and we were given a card. We kept walking and finally stumbled upon this place with a giant beautiful garden/patio out back.  The owner was right there with her kids and we started conversation only to discover that she had been wanting musicians and artists to help her bring a new vibe to the cafe as she had only bought it 5 weeks ago.  We told her we would definitely be back and maybe bring some others along with us.  She seemed really interested in our school and we couldn't help thinking that this could be such a great opportunity for future MOTA concerts and events.

Well that's how our first mini mini outreach went. We were bursting with excitement and thankfulness for what he had accomplished and what he had in store for us still. We leave for 2 weeks to Nurnburg for our mini outreach this Sunday and I am so excited to tell you the stories of what will happen then.

Sorry this was so long- but I wanted to capture as much of it as I could.

 I miss you all. Tess :)

Seek me for "Me" not for the adventure I can bring to your life.

For the past two weeks we had a speaker named Donna Jordan, an older woman with a grandmother's heart who talked about "hearing the voice of God".  In the beginning I was skeptical because she made it look so easy and talked about Jesus like he was her greatest lover and best friend. Now I know this truth deeply, that Jesus is my greatest lover and best friend but yet something in me was repelling the way she was saying it. Back at my home church this "Jesus is my best buddy, all cuddly and casual" gospel is rejected because Jesus is also Holy and Almighty and Powerful beyond what we can imagine.  Often the "Jesus is our lover and our comfort" is preached alone without the rest of the picture of who he is, leading people to view him casually and see him more as a therapist there to meet all their needs than a Lord who they should fear (fear as in be in reverance of). I talked  to a staff member about it and she acknowledged that I had been taught well back home, and she reassured me that Donna has full knowledge of the big picture of who Jesus is, but was just focusing on this aspect of his character this week.

After realizing that I became more open to what she had to say. God does speak to us, in fact it says that "His sheep know his voice". I knew that, I just lost touch of what it meant to be listening for his voice and going to him every step of every day for guidance.  I also know that sometimes he chooses not to answer our questions to build faith or reliance or for his good purposes we can't comprehend, and sometimes things like sin, and a calloused conscience, fear of man, and a wrong understand of who he is can block his voice.  However on the last day he spoke to me so deeply it led to me to the ground crying in repentance.

We were given some quiet time to ask God three questions, the answer I received from the second one ruined me.

"What are your plans and purposes for me?"

I wrote, and his words flowed right onto the paper.

"The reason I don't give you the answer to this question is because I know if I did you would immediately try to do it on your own strength. You don't always need to be achieving for me, sometimes I just love to be with you. I will give you the pieces- I've brought you this far haven't I? I'm teaching you to rest in me, to love me for who I "am" not what "adventure"  I can bring in your life. I desire to see you flourish, I want to use you to bring many into the kingdom , to bring healing to hurting souls, to speak my words and sing songs of joy, I will not disappoint you.  Seek me and you will find "Me" not the plans of your life. Leave the control of them to me, it's not your job or worry. I can handle it for myself. "

So let me explain why this answer was so perfect. First of all I'm a GO GETTER and a FIGHTER. I was always a strong willed child, when I wanted something I was determined to get it. I'm also a hard worker and a planner so I like to get things done, and be in control of how they get done. When the Lord asked me to start a youth worship team I did it, when he asked me to start a prayer team for my young adults group I did it, when he asked me to raise over 12,000 dollars for Germany I did it. All of those things were in his timing. I think he knows though that I want to achieve for him and walk into what he has for me so bad right now , that if He told me I would rush it, and try to do it without waiting for his perfect timing. So he is teaching me how to Love him for who he is, not the adventure or thrill that a life following him brings. I guess a question I need to ask myself is if God told me that I would just work an average job, dull, repetitive, without much excitement, and to raise an average family, in a middle class community and not do much else would I still want to really follow Him? Now I know that that is not the plans he has for me at all, in fact it says that "No eye has seen, No ear has heard, No mind can conceive the great plans God has for those who love him." but asking that question reveals my motives for seeking him so clearly, and that needs to change.

No one wants to be friends with someone who is only their friend because of what they can give them. And unfortunately I have been taking advantage of "God" a bit in this way and using him to try to satisfy my own selfish desires. Well he's not letting me anymore and I'm glad. I do love him and want to know him deeper.

He's changed my heart for this DTS, if all I achieve is knowing him more and discovering who he more clearly then I will be content.

Amen. 

I cracked my back!! AYIYI!!

So I went to the doctor yesterday and my back was x-rayed and examined. Then they sent me to another hospital to get a CT scan and found that one of the vertebrae in my spine was cracked. I don't know much as they mostly spoke through my translator but they told me that my bones would heal in about 4 weeks and I just need to lay low and not do anything strenuous or that requires bending. I'm in quite a bit of pain all the time though and am on 800mg tablets of ibuprofen. Things are harder and I'm forced to rely on others to help me carry stuff. But that's what real community is about, and I just need to accept that I can't be as independent as I usually am. Things at the DTS are good. I'm starting to get close to some friends and really feel like I'm part of this family. I went to Dresden on the weekend and it was so beautiful! I'm going to upload most of my pictures to facebook so you can see for yourself. There were giant picturesque building and museums, most of which were rebuilt after the war (I found out dresden was quite heavily bombed) and we sat and ate dinner in the middle of it all with a german guy in lederhosen playing accordian right next to us. It was heaven. 

Something I've been learning this week is to stop fearing what others think of me and just walk in simple obedience to God. Human's are all flawed and God's opinion matters more than theirs. I need to be confident in him and what he asks of me- it doesn't matter if I see the fruit of my obedience or not. I am not here for a temporary reward of pleasing man; the reward of pleasing God is eternal.

Thanks for all of your encouragements, updates, and posts. They are really keeping me going here in a foreign country where anyone close or anything familiar is a comfort I do not have. 

I have posted a whole bunch of photos on facebook if you want to check them out!

Love you and Miss you tons!  Tess :)

Updates Update Updates..

A week has gone past and I still haven't fully realized that this is gonna be my life for the next 6 months. I'm starting to get closer to some girls at the school and feel less lonely but I still miss my friends and community back home. You never know how good you have it till it's gone I guess..So some updates on my back- I went to see the doctor today and when he touched a part of it I started crying from the intensity of the pain. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to get some x-rays. I really hope it's not seriously damaged because I was really looking forward to backpacking around Europe after my DTS.

Anyways- I'm starting to appreciate living at the apartments. Things are peaceful here when you just want to get away from the craziness of the castle and the girls here are really becoming community. Sometimes it gets frustrating because there is no piano to practice our music on here, and I just wish my parents could ship me my piano all the way from Canada. But I'm willing to stand my ground when it comes to equal practice times at the castle haha- there are about 22 people in our program and about half of them play piano. There is only one piano and one electric keyboard and only a few hours to practice during the day before our 8pm quiet hours start.  We will see how this goes!

Also another thing about Germany. Their chocolate is amazing! I have two jars, one is of this white chocolate macadamia butter and the other is a praline cream. MMMMMM...

Entitled..

Embracing difficult situations and dissapointed expectations really brings out our character. How do we react when we encounter them? Do we easily get frustrated or angry with God? Do we recall all the sacrifices we have given up and feel bitter since our selfish expectations were not met the way we want them to be. Do we feel God owes us something?

Something God has really been pressing on my heart this whole year but really bringing to the surface while I'm here at Ywam is a spirit of entitlement.  I see it in myself and I hate it but yet I feel so helpless against it. As much as I try to understand the implications of my sin, I still struggle.

One of the stories in the Bible that makes clear my struggle so perfectly is the parable of the lost son. In this parable there are two brothers. Before their father has even come close to passing one of the brothers asks for his portion of the inheritance. He goes away and squanders it all on partying and useless things. Eventually he ends up living on the streets begging even for scraps that are fed to pigs. He finally realizes how foolish he was and asks for the strength to go back home and ask for his father's forgiveness.  Expecting to be met with anger and "I told you so's" he is instead met by a father who's heart is moved in compassion running towards him with arms open wide. Instead of condemning him the Father throws a party calling for his finest calf and best things to be used. 

Now the older son who stuck by his Father's side and didn't squander away anything he had been given is seeing all the riches his brother is getting showered with and getting bitter. I mean didn't he surely deserve this party more than his brother who shamed him and his father with his foolishness? Luke 15:11-32

I think I'm kinda feeling the same way about Ywam. I mean there are people here who haven't even had to pay a cent, or they come here on faith with nothing and God provides everything for them in his amazing provision. I'm happy for them, I'm glad they are here and I know he has a plan to use them but part of me gets frustrated when they are flourishing,  I'm facing difficulty and I remember what time and money I had to give up to get here.  I mean I know that God doesn't owe me anything but I can't help but expect him to reward me for my hard work.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying God doesn't reward me for my hard work.  When I seek his kingdom and his righteousness  I know they will be added unto me. Mt 6:33 When I seek him I will find him Jer 29:13. It just can get a little frustrating when I see those around me flourishing without maybe as much sacrifice as I've given.

As I'm writing this I honestly feel  God teaching me something right now. So what does the father say to the older son when he objects to his generosity towards the younger son. He says "Son you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." Essentially everything he owns already belongs to the son as well, and he wouldn't even need to ask to partake in it or enjoy it. "

So how does this apply to my situation?

Well maybe I like the older son just get so focused on what others are getting that I forget that I can have it too, it just may not be what I "need" in the moment. Just as God made each of his children he knows each of us and what we need in every moment. Our needs are constantly changing and what we need might not be what others need at the time. That person may have needed to really see God provide finances to strengthen their faith while I need to work hard and learn what I am right now. It's not that Gods holding out on me, just that he is meeting each of our needs "differently".  All that he has is mine for the taking, but that doesn't always mean the things the world esteems such as happiness or pleasure or ease of life, but righteousness, perseverance, joy, and knowledge of the love of Christ.  And those things don't come to us sinful humans naturally. They usually take trial and testing and being forced to rely on God in ways that are uncomfortable for us to learn.

My attitude of entitlement is not godly and is based on the idea that God owes me happiness, pleasure and ease of life (values of the world) because I work hard for him.

What is true is that God does not owe me anything, but he chooses to bless me regardless. Not with things of the world, but things of his kingdom which far outweigh any temporary treasure. His blessings are often birthed through trial and testing but have eternal purpose and are permanent. He meets all our needs, but our needs are changing and our characters are unique so how he blesses us looks different for each of us in every situation.

Honestly I do not feel entitled as much at all anymore. This post has taken me about an hour to write as I have been processing everything I am learning and thinking but I truly think I learned a really great lesson here.

Lord I pray you would continue to show me how to rejoice in the times of trial and difficulty. Give me eyes to see your blessings in disguise and not compare how you choose to meet my needs and bring me closer to you with how you do with others.  Help me to laugh and celebrate with those around me for how you have provided for them differently, and not see it as any more significant than how you provided for me. Amen.

Tess

Day 3

Today I literally watched my life flash before my eyes. There is a huge wooden swing out in the forest and a bunch of us went exploring. I jumped a little too high when the swing reached its peak and fell 7 feet flat on my back while the giant swing swung over me. I couldn't breath for a couple minutes and was stuck under the swing for a few minutes until they could slow it down. So many things could have gone wrong but they didn't. I could have landed on my head or feet and broken bones or gotten concussions, I could have landed on something sharp and been impaled or paralyzed. If the swing had been a little lower I could have been knocked out or worse..But I know I'm meant to be here. I'm still a bit sore and my chest is tight from having the wind knocked out of me but I think I will recover pretty fast. This is a picture of the reactions of my new friends. Absolutely hilarious!

To be honest these past few days have been a bit hard to adjust. I miss my family and community of friends back home terribly and I don't exactly connect with everyone in the apartments I'm living in as well yet.

It just goes to show that I felt incredibly loved back home and incredibly loved each of you as well. Our first day of lecture starts tomorrow and I am excited. With all this hard stuff happening to me I have started to doubt whether this is where I am supposed to be.

But I believe God is in control and wants me here, and that's where I am. A part of me just wishes all this change didn't have to be so hard. Why does following God have to be so hard sometimes? I know the answer but it's never easy to accept it.

Anyways, I know the struggle and challenge will all be worth it and I hope to attest to that. I don't believe my purpose in this life is to be comfortable, happy, or indulgent all the time, but to make God known and hope in the eternal glory that will eventually greet me.

Tess :) 

Who am I to judge?

So this is it. I'm here sitting in my new room in the apartments just outside of town. The flight went pretty smooth- I gave up my aisle seat for a guy who was complaining about his back and felt honoured however miserable I was stuck in the middle with a kid kicking my seat behind me, to bless him in some small way.

I'm not really sure what to think to be honest. The Castle isn't as clean or big or high tech as I was expecting and the girls seem cool but I don't know if I really click with any of them yet. Also we only have 2 showers (however they are not really showers- more like shower hoses in a bathtub) for the whole apartment building which houses like 30 girls. My room is smaller (there is only four of us) but I love it because there is a side room with sofa's and big windows  that I am sitting in this very moment. We have a washing machine but no dryer (which works out ok for me since I hang dry most of my stuff anyways) but only  one sink per bathroom.

Also did I mention the walk to school takes 20min every day? Hmmm..I really wanted to live in the castle but I've been told that living out in the community is so much better, and not as rigid with rules/guidelines.

I don't want to judge this experience or DTS before it even starts based on the fact that the buildings look old and I don't have the everyday comforts  I had at home. I don't want to enter it feeling disappointed; I want to look at it as an opportunity for me to be stretched to rely on God in every way possible. I have faith that the minor challenges/sacrifices I need to go through will not compare to the good that will come out of this.

I've got my worries, I've got my fears, but maybe that's a good thing. You know why? Because they send me running to Him.  

So Lord my prayer is this: Please let the knowledge of your love for me rid me of my selfish expectations, my anxious worries, and doubtful fears. Show your grace and control in my life so brightly in this time, helping me become more trusting that you do what you say you do and are who you say you are.

Tess

Confident?

What does it mean to be confident? Not being easily swayed in your belief? Not second guessing? Knowing the value and meaning behind what you are doing and not letting it get diminished by your own insecurity?

I have always been a skeptic. Skeptical of myself, skeptical of the world, and skeptical of what I am taught. Back in elementary school I was the kid who annoyed others because she asked so many questions, having to know why and how things worked before she would fully accept them.

In school it took me longer to learn things than other students because I needed to really understand everything about the topic and how to come to the proper conclusion first- and while it took me longer- I did very well because I understood the concepts. This is also one of the reasons I am super into apologetics (knowing the science, history, philosophy, and logic behind the Christian belief), because I don't think that blindly walking into anything, especially beliefs about life and death is wise at all.

Anyways- What does all this talk about confidence have to do with Germany? Well it feels like everything. Not only do I have a whole bunch of questions that can't be answered right now but I don't know what to expect. I'm excited but nervous to see what God teaches me, how he changes me, and uses me.

I like to have a plan for things though- and trusting that I don't really need a plan because Gods got this already in his hands is so hard. He has been so faithful to me in the past and I could list countless amazing stories of his provision but yet the worry wart and insecure doubtful me never seems to fully recede.

My call to music and missions has been confirmed in some really cool circumstances before http://www.tspeller.blogspot.ca/search/label/calling. but I've lost confidence in them as time has allowed the memory of those moments to fade away.

My mentor told me she feels this time in Germany is really going to be a confidence builder for me, a reconfirmation not only that God wants to bring justice and raise awareness of the things that break his heart to his people, but that he wants to use me to do it.

I sure hope so. I leave tomorrow morning.

Jeremiah 17:5-8

This is what the Lord says:
"Curse is the one who TRUSTS IN MAN,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the one who TRUSTS in the Lord,
whose CONFIDENCE IS IN HIM.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I am a Self-Centered, People Pleasing, Envious, Perfectionist. I am far from perfect and I dissapoint people. I see the flaws in myself every single day and want to be better- try to be better- but am far from being the person who I want to be. I fail. I fail others expections of me and I fail the ones I have for myself.

Thank God, that even though I fail, I am still forgiven. Thank God, that even though I am not who I want to be, I am still loved incredibly. Thank God, that I am not known as a failure, but as His child who can be used by Him despite her shortcomings.

I'm not expecting this YWAM trip to be all fun and easy. In fact- I sense that its gonna be uncomfortable at times and I will be confronted with my own sin and apathy. I'm not scared though- I'm ready for whatever needs to happen for me to realize how much I need to rely on Him.

I've been living comfortably this past year, working and saving, spending time with friends, and I will be honest, neglecting my time with God because it wasn't convenient. I'm ready for that attitude to change. I'm ready to be thrown out of the boat into the storms and coughed up into a foreign land to share the message of His love and forgiveness.

I found this quote awhile ago and it has replayed itself in my mind many times.

I'm ready to surrender my security, what's comfortable, and my own desires to continue to grow into the woman God would have me be.

There is a song that pretty much sums up my prayer and heart for this trip. It's called "Nothing I hold onto" by United Pursuit. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o

The lyrics go:

I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hand of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you God, Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

There's nothing I hold onto
There's nothing I hold onto.


Tess :)

Bittersweet.

Tonight was my german themed going away party. Alot of people came and it got a bit squishy in my backyard but it was a good reminder that I am cared for and loved by those around me. I guess sometimes I look around and think- man I don't have enough friends, or they are not close enough but when I finally did something and invited them all I realized how many I actually have, and how blessed I am to have each and every one.

I'm excited to be going away, I really am, however I know this year has been a season of investment in these peoples lives- and I hope they bank it away for when I get back. After the tight community of bible college I came back into the real world of friends, schedules, and the inconvenience of seeing the same people every day. I had lost touch with my local community and found myself having to rebuild all my old friendships again and invest in some new ones. This time though, the friendships took work. They took really learning what it means to invest in someone and show interest in someone's life first. I know it will only get harder as life gets busier and I get settled down, but its been a valuable lesson to see the joy that comes from having close relationships and the fruit that comes from working on them.

I saw the picture (above) on pinterest and decided that would be my motto for making friendships in Germany. I am going to take the time to really learn about people and find ways to encourage them and show them I care first.

Laziness and Close Relationships do not live in harmony-This applies to any kind of relationship whether it be friendships, romantic, or parental. Both parties need to be willing to work for each other- and prove that the other is important to them by investing time and energy into trying to work things out. If one is not willing to work for the relationship -eventually the other party will tire out and give up.

I bet so many marriages fail for the very reason that one is too tired, busy, or stressed to invest. Eventually the relationship is just a second priority and when problems arise there is no real time to work things out. It becomes much easier just to walk away towards something more carefree or easy.

Anyways, If you are reading this please know I am very thankful to have you in my life. Leaving my friends here behind will be hard- I get attached so easily but I know the ones that care will be waiting for me when I'm back. I also know I can't neglect them when I am gone away either. When kylie went to New Zealand for 6 months and sent me a package from there for Christmas it meant the world to me. I want to be that kind of friend.

Tess

Less than two weeks left to go! STTTTTOOOOKKKKKEEEEDDDDDD!

Emotional Whirlwind

As the date gets closer and closer my emotions are whirling. I'm trying to stay calm but it's hard to focus anymore.  I have sadness for leaving mixed with excitement for going mixed with an anxiety but faith for the unknown. My heart feels like its being crushed under a weight of emotion.

I want to leave already- but yet I don't want to leave just yet. I don't know what to expect- but I know my expectations are going to be blown out of the water.

I hope my friends back here don't forget about me- but are here waiting when I get back. I hope they get close- but not too close that I feel distanced when I return. My insecurities are surfacing- I hope the people in Germany like me- I hope I make some really great friends. I hope God uses me- I'm ready to be used. I want him to push me out of my comfort zone- but yet I don't want that at all.

I'm vulnerable- trusting in God that this was his plan all along- and that he will lead me every step of the way. But I know that is the best place to be.

Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Tess

Where you lead I'll go!

The Countdown begins! Only 22 more days until I leave for Germany. See the picture on the right: thats the castle I will be staying in.

So what will I be doing in Germany? Well I'm doing this program called a DTS (discipleship training school). The organization it is through is called YWAM (youth with a mission) which is sorta like a training ground/launch for missionaries all around the world. "YWAM has a decentralized structure that encourages new vision and the exploration of new ways to change lives through training, convey the message of the gospel and care for those in need. We are currently operation in more than 1000 locations in over 180 countries, with a staff of over 18,000."

 The school I'm going to is called "Marriage of the Arts" and is directly themed at using the arts to communicate about world issues and God's heart for the broken and least of these. It has alot of initiatives going for helping those caught in the sex trade and suffering from great poverty.
Most people have some really cool story of why they chose the Ywam location they did, but for me Germany just seemed to be in line with all the passions/dreams I've had. Out of all the song's I've written my best and most complete ones come out of my cry for justice in this world, for those who have been given much to give to those who have been given little. If you wanna check more about it yourself see http://www.ywam-sf.net/ and http://mission-live.com/mota_dts

I never thought I would be going to a small town in rural Germany- or staying in a "water castle" but here I am! Plane tickets booked, got my visa and insurance and there's no turning back now! I've already started to chat with the people I will be schooling with online and it makes me so excited to meet them in person!
There are still a few things I am nervous about, and it seems that I still got alot of things to finish before I go- but I am really starting sense God's peace about the whole thing and get excited. I'm looking forward to watching God use my gifts in music to write new songs about his heart for world, and see where he leads me as I follow him willingly.

I hope you will journey with me as I take this big leap into the unknown- and surrender my security so His name and Love would be made known!

Tess